


To Be Known

by story_telling_sage



Series: An Infinte Universe [1]
Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Its Complicated TM, Multi, Past Child Abuse (mentioned), Possible sequel to come, Queerplatonic Relationships, Senior year, Trans Male Character, Trust Issues, past transphobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-27
Updated: 2020-04-27
Packaged: 2021-03-02 04:55:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,543
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23879515
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/story_telling_sage/pseuds/story_telling_sage
Summary: The last time Dex talked to his parents, really talked to them, he had been sixteen and stupid. Jot that down, all sixteen-year-olds are stupid and shouldn’t be able to have life-changing conversations with their parentsBecause they’re sixteen and stupid.But that was just Dex’s opinion.~ ~ ~Written to celebrate the release of Sticks & Scones for goingoutwithabang on tumblr!
Relationships: Chris "Chowder" Chow & Derek "Nursey" Nurse & William "Dex" Poindexter
Series: An Infinte Universe [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1721062
Comments: 15
Kudos: 92





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for the amazing goingoutwithabang event to celebrate the release of Sticks & Scones! I will be the first to say I am not happy with how this fic turned out, but it's thanks to the amazing community on the discord server, my incredibly understanding artist, and my partner in over-ambitious ideas, softfloralbro, that this was completed. 
> 
> Art by shadowfaerieammy on tumblr. Link included in chapter 3!
> 
> I hope to return to edit and fully flesh out this fic to the full potential is deserves once life, is well, less on fire. But for now I really really hope you enjoy this fic!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dex gets a phone call.

The last time Dex talked to his parents, really talked to them, he had been sixteen and stupid. Jot that down, all sixteen-year-olds are stupid and shouldn’t be able to have life-changing conversations with their parents.

Because they’re sixteen and stupid.

But that was just Dex’s opinion.

To be honest, Dex didn’t think about his parents much at all anymore. Not with any seriousness. He’s a handful of days from turning twenty-three and for once, despite what sixteen-year-old Dex would have thought, his life is right where he wants it to be. 

So when an unknown number with a Maine area code calls, Dex doesn’t think too much about answering it. He’s been applying to internships and one of his cousins was constantly losing his phone and changing his number, so Dex is never sure. Either way, it shouldn’t be a big deal as he slides his finger across the touch screen.

“Hello?” he says, tucking the phone under his ear and going back to coding on his computer. Until he knows the conversation actually needs his full attention, this problem set was going to get at least 25% of his brainpower. Senior year was  _ hard _ . 

Dex felt his fingers start to shake, his vision graying out on the edges. He moved to hang up but his fingers wouldn’t cooperate. He was stuck-- frozen-- fuck, why couldn’t he move? 

“--sweetie? Is that you?” a woman’s voice says, tinny coming through his out-dated phone’s speakers. Dex hasn’t heard that voice for going on seven years but he still remembers it like yesterday. 

“Hi, mom,” he says and then promptly hangs up the phone.

* * *

In a totally rational response to this unexpected and sudden turn of events, Dex promptly turns his phone off, throws it across the room to god knows where, and very, very carefully lets his mind go blank as he goes back to coding. 

This is a later problem. Definitely. He would deal with it later.

Later. 

Dex lets himself get lost in strings of numbers and letters that make sense and ignores just about everything else. Black screens full of white text that went on, and on, and on… it’s oddly calming, the mundanity of it all. Best of all, it makes him think about something that wasn’t  _ that _ .

It’s hours later when he starts to think he should probably at least get his phone, but in all honesty, he probably wouldn’t. God, he’s going to feel stupid if he has to ask someone else to get it for him but the idea of looking at the lock screen and seeing that number pop up again. Dex didn’t want to deal with it, sue him. He has homework, and hockey practice, and his senior project, and graduating to deal with. 

Taking off his headphones to stretch once his hands finally start cramping, Will catches sight of the clock hanging on the wall.  _ Shit _ . It’s well past 7 p.m. and he was supposed to meet Nursey and Chowder for dinner an hour ago. He’s just opening up Facebook messenger when a knock on the door stops him. 

“Hey Dex,” Chowder calls through the door, “you in there?”

“Yeah, hold on,” Dex says, his voice coming out shakier than he wishes it would, and opens the door. Chowder looks at him, head cocked to the side and his eyebrows pinched together like an upside-down v. Shit, he’s worried. Dex tries his best to smile, but his hands were cramped and his eyes were tired from staring at his screen for so long.

It couldn’t be a good look. 

“Did you get lost in coding land?” Chowder asks. “You missed dinner.”

It was an easy out. One Will was grateful for. And it’s true… for a certain definition thereof. It’s not that Will wants to lie to Chowder. The Frogs have been functioning on another level since taking over the team and it was as thrilling as it was nearly terrifying. But this… it wasn’t something for the Samwell version of Will to deal with, wasn’t something that involved this part of his life. 

“Yeah, I’m working on the problem set for McGill and it took way longer than I thought it was going to. I wasn’t paying attention to the clock, sorry I ditched.”

Chowder just shrugs. “It’s okay! McGill’s homework is killer. Wanna take a break?” 

Dex hesitates for just a second, before making himself take a deep breath. 

“Yeah, uh, do you think you can help me find my phone? I have no idea where the fuck it went.” Well, Dex knows exactly where it is, but he still doesn’t know if he has the strength to look down at that screen. If Chowder picks it up first then it’s just a missed call from an unknown number. It can’t touch him then, at least not right now. 

“I think I had it over by my bed? I’m going to check my backpack in case I didn’t take it out after class.” 

Despite the fact that Dex knows exactly where his phone is, his breath still catches when Chowder pulls it from underneath the bed. 

“How the hell did it get down there?” the goalie asks and Dex just shrugs. 

“I dunno. It must have fallen between the bed frame and the sheets or something. Thanks, man.”

The phone easily exchanges hands and Dex shoves it into his back jean pockets without a second glance. Later tonight, he’d go through and delete those missed calls. Block the number. Call his aunt and start trying to figure out how this happened. But for right now, he was content to ignore it in favor of some pizza rolls and a study break. 

After all, it was just one phone call. Everything would be fine.

* * *

Nursey had already put the pizza rolls on the cookie sheet and pre-heated the oven by the time Chowder and Dex resurface. However, instead of his usual poetry books, Nursey has the first three Harry Potter books stacked on the table and dutifully bookmarked and highlighted with care. Dex’s eyebrows raise as Chowder goes to put the pizza rolls into the oven. 

“I thought you already took adolescent lit?” Dex asks. That had been a memorable class last semester. Nurse hadn’t shut up about  _ Twilight  _ for  _ two weeks _ . Nursey nods, looking up. And  _ oh no _ , Will thinks. He knows that spark in those green eyes. A blinding grin follows those sparkling eyes and Will goes to get a soda from the fridge. He’s going to be here for a bit.

“It’s for my senior seminar,” Nursey says. “The prof is finally helping us narrow down topics and I’m putting together my proposal for researching the uncanny in Harry Potter. I want to do all seven, but Professor Tannert might make me focus on only the first two or three.”

“The uncanny?” Dex asks, pushing himself up so he can sit on the counter facing Nursey at the table. 

“The uncanny, the abject, everything horrible and obscure through the lens of children’s literature. Did you know we raise our children in a culture of fear, Poindexter? Fear. Kids are so fucking badass.” 

Dex follows along, genuinely interested but also knowing this is’t going to be the last time he hears about this. He lets himself get lost in the cadence of Nursey’s voice talking about mirrors and closets and ghosts. Being afraid of oneself and teaching children to embrace it anyway. It takes Dex a minute before he decides he’s okay with opening this particular can of worms. He feels himself already starting to smile, anticipating Nursey’s reaction. Appalled, horrified, and then blindingly determined. 

“You know,” Dex says, “I’ve never read Harry Potter.”

* * *

“I’m sorry, what?” Derek asks, head swiveling to look Dex straight in those amber eyes. He wouldn’t put it past his liney messing with him, but Nursey has the unfortunate feeling that Dex is being dead serious. 

“I mean, I’ve seen the movies?” Dex says and Nursey can physically hear himself groan. 

“On no, no, no. Chowder, we need to fix this immediately. Like, right now,” Nursey says. 

He doesn’t wait for a response, instead grabbing the copy of  _ Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone _ from the bottom of the pile. It’s an old copy, one that’s traveled from his parent’s brownstone to Andover and back and has spent the last four years tucked safely away at Samwell. He never thought he’d let anyone borrow it, but this was a truly dire situation that deserved his utmost attention. His fingers brush over the worn pages, the places where sticky notes are jutting out, annotated over and over and over again since Nursey was thirteen years old. 

He’ll think about this more later, but in the moment nothing feels quite as right as handing his first copy over to his partner. 

“I can’t Nurse, this is your copy,” he says and Nurse can hear what he means: this has been loved by you. So many of their problems over the years came from misunderstanding each other’s expression of affection. Dex gave things away. He gave his time helping Bitty in the kitchen over the years. He gave his energy to fix the Haus for the entire team. He gave Nursey help on his one mandatory math class homework and he gave Chowder someone to talk to when no one else wanted to hear about the Sharks season for the fifteenth time. Nursey has never understood that giving people something could be considered sacred until he met Dex. 

Nursey is used to words. Literature major and everything, but even then his parents had never been shy about telling him that they loved him. Ma, Mama, and Dad were almost grossly affectionate.  _ I love you _ was said in Nursey’s house in five different languages and in hundreds of different words.

“And I want you to borrow it,” Nursey says and it shows how much they’d grown that Dex accepts the book without another protest. 

“Thanks, Nurse,” he says. 

“Wait, you’ve seen the movies though. Right?” Chowder says and Dex nods. “You have to tell me your Hogwarts house. Please.”

“I bet he’s a Gryffindor.” Nursey smirks. He can see it. The red hair in the house of the red lion, bravery blazing in those amber eyes. Dex was strong, so goddamn strong. He would be brave enough. 

“I don’t know, I could see Ravenclaw,” Chowder argues. “There’s a big brain hiding up there, isn’t there Captain?” 

Dex scowls, but Nursey just jumps in with his singing. In a moment Chowder has jumped in and Dex is wide-eyed in equal horror and glee. Derek knows he’s handing over free chirping material but that doesn’t matter because it’s Harry Potter. It’s also just totally worth the chirps to watch Dex’s  _ face _ . He’s grinning ear to ear by the time they’re done singing. Chowder’s leaning against the counter, his whole body racked with laughter, Nursey leaning against for equal amounts of support.

“Come on, Dexy,” Nursey says once he catches his breath. He straightens, leaning into Dex’s space even as Dex pushes his face away. Playful, not angry. He’s smiling too much to be angry. “What’s your Hogwarts house?”

“I don’t know,” he tries to say, but Derek isn’t buying it. 

“Seriously bro, this should be like part of the Frog Code. We have to tell each other our Hogwarts houses. It’s like, necessary for having a cohesive team. Come onnnnn—” Dex’s laughter interrupts him, his front teeth shining in the kitchen light. 

“I honestly don’t know,” Will says and it’s Chowder’s turn to gasp. 

“Blasphemy,” Nursey declares, and Chowder lunges for his laptop. “Chris, find the Pottermore quiz. You know the one with all the questions.”

“On the double,” Chris says and it’s Dex’s turn to groan. 

* * *

They all hit the gym early the next morning, but Nursey can’t help but feel a little bit of nagging worry when he looks at Dex. Nursey knows the tell-tale signs of Dex not sleeping the same way that Will recognizes the onset of a manic episode before it’s not too late. However, as he takes to the weight machine, Nursey hasn't had a chance to talk to Dex about it. Later, he thought. 

* * *

“Yo, where’s Dex?” Nursey asks. Chowder’s already waiting for him at their normal table in the caf, but Will was suspiciously absent. Again. “This is the third time this week. Not cool, bro. Not cool.” 

Chowder raises his eyebrows and Nursey has the good grace to at least look sheepish. “I know, I know, preaching to the choir. Seriously though, have you heard from him? This is like, mad weird bro.”

Dex normally didn’t miss anything. Especially not without texting first. 

“Want to head back to the Haus? He’s probably doing homework or got lost outlining a new play. Yale’s got him mad worried, bro.” 

“Yeah,” Chowder agrees. “I’ve had his AI professor before, Spacco is killer. It’s probably just homework.” Neither of them quite believe it but Nursey nods and they both get up from the table, abandoning their empty trays for someone else who might want them. 

The September air is just starting to get cold, wind picking up just a little bit more than usual and making Nursey wish he grabbed his hat this morning. Oh well, he’d grab it after they collected Dexy. Derek didn’t want to worry, but part of him couldn’t help him. He viscerally remembered his partner’s panic when the team had voted him ‘Team Captain’ last year.

* * *

_ “You’re all fucking insane,” Will said. “Literally, all of you. Like, are you fucking crazy? Me? A captain? Seriously, Nurse. This is a terrible idea.” _

_ “Why?” Nursey asked. “Why is this such a bad idea? You’re good at this Dex, and you know it.” Will laughed, something hollow and much too self-depreciated for Derek’s comfort.  _

_ “I can’t follow  _ Bitty _. I can’t follow Rans and Holtz and Jack. Jesus, are you all crazy?” _

_ “It’s Samwell,” Nursey said, dead serious, “we’re all crazy. But what’s not crazy is us wanting you to be our captain. You were right behind Bitty every step of the goddamn way last year. You stepped up on and off the ice and don’t you dare say you didn’t. I know you, Poindexter. I know how hard you’ve worked for this. I know how bad you wanted it.”  _

_ “I didn’t,” Dex said. “I just… I don’t know if I can do this, Derek.” _

_ Derek. The use of their first names always undid each other, especially after all those years of bickering. It felt like drawing back a curtain to something real.  _

_ “Then we’ll do it together, Will,” Derek promised and Dex smiled like maybe he believed him. _

* * *

He hopes this isn’t more Captain Stress. Will drove them all a little bit crazy with his summer planning, and he knew there had been at least one trip down to Providence to talk with Bitty and Jack about Planning™. The walls of his little hobbithole were already plastered with sketches of possible plays and team dynamic breakdowns. It seemed like the only thing Will thinks about these days are school and hockey. Not that Nursey blames him, but it’s worrying all the same. 

“Dexy!” Nursey calls as they walk into the Haus. It’s empty, almost every either getting lunch or in class right now. 

“I think he’s in the kitchen,” Chowder says and they make their way towards the smell of baking. Will had definitely picked up the stress baking from Bitty. Sometime between Sophomore year Bitty-Dex bonding and helping Bitty study while also baking more muffins than any man could eat, it was like the baking got ingrained into Dex’s DNA. And  _ yep,  _ those were definitely muffins. 

Maybe blueberry?

“I’m telling you Aunt Kay, I don’t know why she called,” Dex says, and Nursey and Chowder both freeze. On one hand, they don’t want to intrude, but on the other hand they should let Will know they’re there. Instead they both just stand there, trying to decide what to do while Dex keeps talking. 

“I swear. She must have tracked me down using Facebook or something. Jesus, I thought I blocked them. You don’t think one of the cousins--? No, no, of course not.”

A beat. 

“What a fucking mess. Sorry, I know, language.”

A laugh.

“I gotta go, Aunt Kay. I’ll… I’ll let you know if anything else happens. Hopefully this was just, like, a freak accident or something.”

A beat.

“Yeah, I love you too. Bye.”

Chowder and Nursey both exchange worried eyebrow raises before Chowder finally nods towards the door. 

“Hey,” Nursey says and Will freezes when he looks up. 

“Shit. I forgot lunch again, didn’t I?”  _ Well,  _ Nursey thinks,  _ at least he didn’t do it on purpose.  _ Dex looks way too guilty for someone who was intentionally trying to ditch out on his friends. “I’m so sorry. I got a call from one of my cousins, and then I had to call my uncle, and then my aunt wanted to talk, and then I got stressed and muffins happened, and then--” 

“Yo, chill,” Nursey says and it speaks volumes that Will only squints his eyes instead of snapping. If Nursey isn’t wrong, he almost looks… grateful. 

“Is everything okay?” Chowder asks, peaking into the oven to see what’s baking. 

“Yeah,” Will says and Nursey tries not to balk out what a blatant lie that was. The circles under his eyes are even worse than they were at the gym the other day. Was he sleeping, like, at all? “Is it family stuff or something?”

“...kind of?” Dex says with a shrug. “It’s really nothing big like that. Just… just like petty family drama that we all thought was over with.” He sighs and Nursey can feel the weight of it. He narrows his eyes. 

“You sure?” Chowder asks, before Nursey has a chance to. “It sounds like it could be intense.” 

But Will just shakes his head. “Seriously. This’ll blow over and they’ll be back to bickering over who’s booking the hotel rooms for graduation and who’s driving and all of that nonsense.”

Nursey isn’t sure if he believes it, but he’s willing to let it go as Chowder picks up on Dex’s lead.

“What a mood,” Chowder says, “my entire family wants to hop on a plane even though I’m going to be heading right back home after graduation anyways. Are your parents coming, Nurse?”

He nods and their talk devoles from there, lunch forgotten with the promise of muffins and the assurance that this was just a slip of the brain, nothing more than family bickering. Right?


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hockey practice, kegsters, and worried partners.

September comes and the entire team hits the ice with a playful determination. Chowder is both exhilarated and anxious as practice begins. It’s the first one before their home opener and the entire team is buzzing with the excitement. With this being his senior year, the coaches brought on a new Frog for him to train as goalie. It’s equal parts amazing to be trusted so much and nauseating to remember that this is his last year. Johnson is a good goalie and there’s something familiar about him in the back of Chowder’s mind, but every time he brings it up the goalie shrugs it off as a narrative easter egg, whatever that means.

Chowder shakes the thoughts away as his frog skates towards him for warm-ups. It was a good crop this year with Samwell making so much noise in the sports world. Not only did they have Jack Zimmerman, Stanley Cup champion, as their alumni but they just came off a win in the championships that made the news. 

_ First Openly Gay NCAA Captain Leads Team to Victory.  _

It certainly did a lot to open up their prospects. It was also just nice to have some fresh optimism. Winning had been worth everything they put into it last year, but the entire team had been more than a little burnt out at the end. The Frogs 2.0 were a good bunch. Griffin, one of their new forwards who replaced Bitty on the line, matched Chris for enthusiasm on the ice but carried Bitty’s steady determination too. A sharp whistle pulls them out of the end of their drills and Chowder just barely stops himself from laughing as the Frogs 2.0 practically jump to attention. 

They didn’t know Dex yet, not really. He was their captain and part of Chowder burned with pride. That fiery, angry boy who came to Samwell so scared and confused and hiding and now was standing proud on that ice. 

“Okay y’all,” Dex says and Chris is storing up his chirps for later every time he hears Bitty come out of Dex’s mouth. “Let’s get started.”

It’s a grueling practice. His entire body is aching by the time they finally call it quits. Johnson does his cool down laps with Griffin, Itsy, and Kris. Kris-with-a-K not-Chris-with-a-C. Important distinction. Chris slows himself down, breathing deeply, and waits until Nursey and Dex pass him to keep skating. They don’t talk, too exhausted, but it’s easy comradery none of them are going to turn down. There’s something different about being seniors that’s different and it thrums underneath all of their skins.

As the team finishes up, Dex motions them off the ice. Chowder waits at the edge of the rink to follow Will off, but instead of heading to the locker rooms their captain starts walking towards the coaches’ offices. 

“Hey,” he hears Nursey call out. Derek’s head is tilted with the waiting question. 

“I’ll be there in a minute,” Dex replies, waving them off. “I just have to run over some logistics with Hall and Murrey. No biggie.” But after three years and then some, Chris has gotten good at reading the language of one William J. Poindexter. Those tightness around his eyes, the microscopic slump of his shoulders; sure it could just be a result of practice but someone Chowder didn’t think so.

As Will walked away, Nursey watched over Chowder’s shoulder. “He’s acting mad weird, bro. Right?”

“Yeah…” Chowder replies, feeling his own frown crease. 

* * *

The first kegster comes off the win of their first home game of the season. Chowder and Dex take joint Nursey duty. Louis has the entire haus pounding with the base and Derek’s heart pounds right along with it. There’s nothing like a win on Faber ice to get his heart pumping and with Dex and Chris by his side, it’s easy to let loose as he takes turns dragging them onto the dance floor i.e. the living room. As usual, Dex is more reluctant to join the partying but he watches happily from the sidelines as his team lets loose. 

It really was ridiculous to think about how much they’d grown since their first kegster. Nursey had been following in Shitty’s shadow like the older student was a beacon of wisdom and got much too wasted to remember much of the night at all. Will had spent a whole twenty minutes at the party before slipping out the backdoor, too good for lowly frat house celebrations. Now they both leaned into the music and their respective places in the party. Nursey staying right in the middle of it and Will watching over them.

Halfway through the night, Chowder slipped off with Farm somewhere (probably his room… eyebrow wiggles) and Derek decides it was probably time to take a break as well. He heads to the kitchen for a refill of water and to look around for Dexy who seemed to be shadowing the Frogs 2.0 through the chaos. However, Dex isn’t in the kitchen or anywhere else on the lower floor that Nursey could tell. He knows Will wouldn’t have gone down to his bedroom as having a dance floor above his head didn’t lend well to sleep and he wouldn’t have anyways with the haus still full. He might have gone up to Nursey’s room… worth a shot at least. Dex is one of the few people with a key to Nursey’s room and all the hausmates knew to lock their doors during kegsters. 

As Nursey enters his room, he spies a flash of red hair outside his window and goes to join his partner. Climbing carefully out of his window and onto the reading room takes a little too much concentration for Nursey’s liking, but halfway through Dex puts up a hand to steady him before they both fall off the roof. 

“There’s our fearless captain,” Nursey says. 

“Hey Nurse,” Dex responds. As Nursey settles down, Dex takes the chance to move closer until they’re both pressed side-to-side. There’s a pleasant breeze blowing, but the summer heat hasn’t quite died off yet. Kesha booms loudly from inside and they can feel the sound through the roof. It was a pleasant buzz like the one Nursey was riding from his last glass of tubjuice. 

“What are you doing up here? Thought you were supposed to be on Nursey patrol.” It’s more teasing than anything else. It’s been awhile since Nursey actually needed to be watched while he drank and now it was just an excuse for them to hangout during parties instead. 

“Just needed some fresh air, I guess,” Dex says and Nursey can feel the deep breath his partner inhales. They sit there in that not-quite-silence for a bit as Dex breathes. 

“...this we could stay out here forever?” Dex asks quietly. “Here at Samwell. I’m…” Another deep breath. “I’m not ready for this to be over.”

“Well, I’m not going anywhere,” Nursey reassures. He frowns, eyebrows furrowing together as he tries to think about what might have brought this on. “Everything okay, babe?” 

Dex just shakes his head. “No, just my brain being stupid. Keeps trying to think about the future when all I want to do is stay right here.”

And that was it, wasn’t it? The Future. Nursey had grad school applications bookmarked on his computer and he knew Chris had started looking at tech jobs on the west coast for after graduation. But Dex… as far as Nursey knew, Dex didn’t have any plans like that. Not grad school, no money for it and honestly no desire, but… 

“I just like who I am here. I like being  _ known _ . I don’t have that back home.”

“Then we’ll find you someplace new. It’s not like you’re going to be able to get rid of Chris and me. You know that, right?”

Eerie silence stuck between them in a rare moment as the song switched over and people seemed to hold their breaths. Will knew that, right?

Right?

“I spent so long missing home, and now that I’ve built a new one it feels like it’s all going to go away. I don’t… You and Chris have all these plans and I… I have a degree that will get me a job, and that’s all I ever really wanted. I don’t really know where to go from there. I should go back to Maine but…”

“But…” Nursey prompts.

“I don’t think I want to go back. I mean… I guess… I don’t know, Nurse. I guess I don’t know what I want.”

* * *

Senior year continued barreling down the line as the weather turned from summer-warmth to that biting fall chill that would soon turn to winter. Sometime in between hockey practice and classes, Dex was steadily working his way through  _ The Philosopher's Stone  _ in a way he hadn’t become interested in a book in a long time. To be fair, part of the draw was understanding Nursey and being able to be an available ear when his partner needed to work out his latest literary hypothesis. The other reason was, well, the book was just kind of good. He was in middle of their first quidditch game of the season when Nursey sat down in the chair across from Dex

“Hey babe,” Nursey says and Dex leans over for a quick kiss. 

“Hey,” he replies. 

“Where are you at?” Nursey says, bypassing any conversation once he realizes how deep into the book Will has gotten. And even though Dex can feel his phone buzzing with unanswered text messages in his pocket, he puts all thoughts of his parents trying to contact him out of his mind for just that moment because Nursey is here and he’s at Samwell and Nursey needs to know how much he loves Remus Lupin. 

* * *

Chowder couldn’t remember the last time he was this anxious before a game. Probably the championships last year. And even then… that was a different kind of anxiety. That was about Samwell. That was about Bitty. This was about him. Scouts had started coming by last year with Samwell not just riding off of Jack’s fame but also their consistent performance over the past four years. Quite a few of them had been for Bitty, even if he had turned them all down. But some of them. Some of them had been for Chowder and he didn’t know how to feel about that. 

Scouts. Coming to see him. Hockey had never been a future thing for Chowder. It had been a hobby, a sport, a team-building exercise, a good workout, but a future? No, Chowder always thought he would get a CS job at one of the billion startups down in So-Cal and make his way from there. Him and Cait had talked about it. Renting an apartment, living together after school, testing to see if they really wanted this to be forever. 

(Chowder did. He had his mother’s ring in his sock drawer and had been carrying it around since half-way through junior year. Chowder wanted it so bad.)

But going pro? That was a dream. And honest to god dream of that little boy who stepped onto the ice for the first time, who saw the Sharks play and never looked back. And now they were here. For him. It was surreal and it was throwing him off his game. Chowder startles as a heavy hand comes down on his shoulder, jumping slightly before realizing it’s just Dex. Dex and Chowder always get to the stadium early on game days, just so they can get into the right headspace. 

“How’re you doing?” Dex says. In ten minutes Dex would turn into Captain Mode, but looking at his face, this wasn’t his captain speaking. This was his friend. 

“They’re really going to be out there tonight, aren’t they?” Chowder asks. His mouth is so damn dry and his fingers itched for the stability of his hockey stick. Instead, he grips the bench until his knuckles turn white. Dex’s calloused palm settles over his clenched hand and Chowder let himself breathe in with Dex’s steady breathes. 

“Yeah,” Dex says. “They’re really here. And you’re going to do just fine. Remember Chowder, when we’re out on the ice they don’t matter. Just me, you, and the team playing the best hockey we know how to. No more, no less.”

It didn’t make Chowder breathe any easier. 

He reached for his i-pod, pulling his earbuds in and letting the music take him away. His hype playlist was something he’d been putting together since he started playing in high school. It had evolved a lot since then but it helped him get in the right headspace. He never played a game without listening to it, and he wasn’t going to start now. 

Without giving himself another moment to overthink, Chris pressed play and started his stretches.

_ And I know a boy _

_ Who likes to keep his burner on _

_ He's always running with no one to keep warm _

_ It's like he's flirting with the smoke alarm _

_ His fire's fading _

* * *

The game is hard and ruthless and entirely too close for anyone to be comfortable. The Bearcats are not pulling their punches and it takes the entire team’s concentration to stay aware and on their feet. Dex and him have both been knocked down more than they’d like to think about, but so far no one’s been pulled and they intend to keep it that way. 

It’s a damn hard game and they’re all holding onto by a thread when the final minutes start ticking down with the score tied. They can’t afford to go into overtime, so they have to give it all they’ve got. However, despite the exhaustion Nursey feels pure elation when Whiskey sends the final puck swishing between the opposite goal for the final point.

Nursey slams into Dex when the final whistle blew just after Hell  _ yes _ ! Oh they were going to be planning one hell of a keger tonight, that’s for sure. However, Nursey was quickly drawn out of those thoughts as Will stiffens under him. Frowning, Nursey know he can’t ask right there but the look in Dex’s eyes was anything but celebratory. 

“Will?” he says, but it’s almost like his partner can’t hear him at all.

* * *

_ No,  _ Will thought.  _ They can’t be here _ . 

But he would know that face anywhere. That brown hair and amber eyes that are the exact same shade of his own. 

His mom. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> William "Trust Issues" Poindexter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning for depictions of disassociation & reflections on body dysphoria
> 
> also: hey hEY HEY LOOK AT THIS SUPERFREAKING AWESOME ART!!!!! Literally this art is the only thing that makes this fic worth reading it's GREAT sa;fjdhfslkgdfdhfahlf
> 
> https://shadowfaerieammy.tumblr.com/post/616591532482543616/here-is-my-final-submission-for

Winter break was a somewhat miserable affair. Dex had effectively dropped off the map. Everytime Nursey or Chowder even tried to bring up the game before break started, Will shut the conversation down immediately with the a-thousand-and-one excuses. It seemed like he was always studying, going for a run, heading to the library, anything but hanging around the haus. He wasn’t even talking to Nursey about it, it seems. The only texts the defence man got from their friend was about his progress in  _ Prisoner of Azkaban. _ Anything deeper and it was like Will wasn’t even there anymore. At least until a few days after Christmas. The group chat had been alive and well, but Dex hadn’t been on much so it was a surprise when his name popped up on Chowder’s screen. 

Dex: 

_ Is anyone in the Haus allergic to cats? _

That is... unexpected. Since when did Will have a cat?

Chowder:

_??? I’m not? _

It takes a few more minutes for the others to chime in, but Chowder has to suppress his laughter once they do.

Tango: 

_ CAT  _ : 

_ I’M ALLERGIC BUT I CAN TAKE ALLEGRA _

_ I LOVE CATS _

Hops: 

_ Haus cat? Hell yeah _

As the replies come rolling in, Chowder pulls up Dex’s contact and clicks ‘video chat.’ The phone rings a handful of times before a slanted shot of Dex’s rather spectacular bedhead. And then, sitting there on his just was the cat in question. Her coat is a silky black with small white spots. It’s hard to get an angle on her size when the camera was so wonky but she looks small. Babbeyy.

“Since when do you have a cat?” Chowder asks. Will tries, in vain, to sit up without disturbing his fluffy companion. And what a beautiful companion she was. She stood up, arching her back in one fluid motion before laying back down to glare at Will for daring to move. Didn’t he know she was comfortable? She very quickly transfers her gaze to the source or interruption and Chris finds himself on the other side of dark eyes with laser focus, almost like she’s looking directly at Chris through the camera. Which, okay, unsettling. But Chowder could live with it. “And what is her name?”

“Hey Shadow, say hi to Chris.” 

Shadow did nothing of the sort. 

“So funny story,” Dex says as he reaches over to scratch between her ears. “She’s actually my cousin’s cat. But my cousin is moving into an apartment in the next city over and they don’t allow pets. And she would stay with my aunt and uncle but they don’t have enough time with you know the four other kids and three dogs and the farm so… I kind of volunteered to take her?”

The cat meowed in conformation of Will’s story and Chowder  _ melted _ . 

“You cannot do this us, Dex. We will get no work done in the Haus. She will distract us all.”

“You were the one who wanted a Haus pet last year! Figured we could make the dream come true. Her name is Vinny.”

“I’m adding Nursey to this call ASAP, he needs to see our new child.”

* * *

Nursey is barely awake when his phone starts ringing, but as soon as Dex and Chowder’s icon pops up on the screen he doesn't hesitate to answer.

“Is that a cat?”

* * *

It feels good, talking to Chris and Derek again. With the chaos of the holidays and his parents… Dex hasn’t had time to talk to anyone and more importantly, he doesn’t want to. But with Derek and Chris… it’s easy not to think about it. Instead all he has to think about is the way Nursey’s eyes are lighting up as he describes that worst Christmas movie he’s ever heard about or how Chris’ laugh lights up the room every time Shadow even moves. 

It had only been a little bit of a lie, what he explained earlier. Will couldn’t get the paperwork for an ESA at Samwell without jumping through five hundred hoops that would require doctor’s appointments they didn’t have the time or money for. And honestly, Will was doing great when he left for Samwell in the fall. It sucked, but Shadow was happy at the house and Will still saw her on breaks. 

But his cousin moving wasn’t why Shadow was coming back to Samwell. The nights had gotten bad. It had been getting worse ever since his mom called at the beginning of the year but seeing her at the game? Seeing his dad? Dex felt like he was on pins and needles every moment, waiting for something to go wrong. They  _ knew _ where he lived. They were  _ at _ Samwell.

“I’m so ready to get back home and see you guys again,” Will says without thinking. His hand is resting on Shadow’s head and it’s the safest he’s felt in a long time. 

“I miss you guys too,” Chris says and Nursey nods emphatically. 

“Ch’yeah, bro. Anyway, where are you at in the third book? Inquiring minds need to know. Namely, your feelings on Remus Lupin. Tell me they’re positive or we cannot be friends anymore, it will actually ruin our relationship.” From there they jump into their undying love of Remus Lupin and chocolate and how much Harry Potter didn’t deserve this shit. Nursey is half-way through his explanation of how the patronus charm fit into his thesis when there’s a knock on the door. Jacklyn sticks her head in and Dex feels himself holding his breath.

Will clicks mute and says, “What’s up?” But from the way his cousin was looking at him, it wasn’t just that it was time for lunch. 

“The lawyers called back,” she says.

* * *

“Lawyers?” Chris asks and he can see Will cursing himself. 

“Um,” Dex pauses, “I’ll call you guys back later.” And with that Will’s portion of the screen goes black. Leaving just Nursey and Chowder in the chat. Nursey’s eyes are wide and he can see him cursing the conversation ending. This was the closest they had seen to their Dex since the start of term. Whatever weight was on his shoulders, whatever was eating at him, wasn’t consuming him. However, the change had been instantaneous. 

“The  _ hell _ was that,” Nursey asks, and Chris has no answers. 

“What could he need a lawyer of all things for?” Chris thinks out loud. 

“You don’t think this has anything to do with that family thing he mentioned, do you?”

“What family thing?”

“He told me that there was some trouble with some disgruntled family members showing back up and trying to start shit. He wouldn’t tell me anything really, but he sounded really worried. Fuck, man, lawyers are serious.”

“Maybe, it’s like, dealing with a will? Those need lawyers, right?” 

“Yeah, but why wouldn’t he tell us if someone had died? Why  _ won’t _ he tell us?”

Chris sighs. “We’ll ask him when we get back to campus, try and get him to talk to us then.”

“Yeah,” Nursey replies. “Of course. It’ll be easier once we’re back at the Haus.”

It was not, in fact, easier once they were back at the Haus. 

* * *

Will feels like he’s going crazy. Legitimately, completely, crazy. Everytime his phone buzzes, every time he turns a corner, he’s expecting it to be his parents. He’s expecting it to be a threat. He’s expecting… goddamn it, Will doesn’t even know what he’s expecting at this point only that he should be over this by now. He was sixteen anymore. He wasn’t-- he wasn’t the scared kid anymore. He was a _ fucking adult _ , for Christ sake!

But he's never felt more like a child. 

Every flash of brown hair. Ever unexpected touch. It was wreaking havoc on his psyche. He had a goddamn restraining order now. They got it taken care of over break with this sudden new development. Johnathan and Sarah Poindexter were officially barred from campus, not to be admitted under any circumstances, and Samwell took this student’s safety seriously. 

He was  _ safe _ damnit!

“Dex,” Chris says over their stats homework, worry clear in his shaking voice. “You’ve got to talk to us.” And Will wanted to. 

“It’s… complicated, Chowder,” Dex replies and they both know what a lame excuse that is. I trust you, Dex wants to say, but the words stick in his throat. He doesn’t trust his own mind anymore, let alone someone else to keep his secrets. 

And what if they hated him too? They wouldn’t. Logically, Will knows this, but his mind seems to be listening to anything except logic right now. So Dex does what he does best: throws himself into hockey, throws himself into his work. Their season is looking good but it could be looking better. They just need to train more, practice more, be  _ better _ . 

It’s not until two weeks later that Will realizes maybe he’s been pushing too hard. 

Bitty’s face pops up on Will’s screen while he’s in the kitchen and it takes him a moment to pick up the phone. He’s missed Bitty something awful and even though Bitty told him he could talk to him, even after graduation, it just didn’t feel right. 

“What do I hear about you scaring the new frogs?” Bitty chirps, tone light and airy but with an undercurrent of worry. 

“Just keeping us in shape, Bits. It’s been a tough year.”

“And you’re sure it’s nothing more than that?”

Dex snorts. “Of course not, why, what’s Chowder telling you?”

“Just that he’s worried. Says you’ve been… intense.”

Will takes a deep breath and makes himself smile. “You know what it’s like. Graduation is coming, and the playoffs are only two months away, and…”

Bitty makes a noncommittal noise, urging Will to keep talking. 

“Have you ever had a secret that you’ve wanted to tell people? It just feels too late?”

“Oh honey,” and Will can practically see Bitty’s blue eyes softening as he looks at the phone, “you know I do.”

“So what did you do?”

“I told them. Eventually. When I was ready. Because I knew you guys would have my back.”

“But how did you  _ know _ ?”

“Trust, Dex. And copious amounts of pie. But mostly trust.”

“I don’t have much of that laying around. Someone burned up all my reserves last time I tried to tell them about this and I… I don’t know if I’m willing to chance it. I don’t know if I  _ can _ .”

“You can, honey. I promise,” Bitty says and Dex wants to believe him, but all he can hear is his mother screaming in the back of his head. The dysphoria in his chest growing at even the thought of talking about it.

“I’ll call you back later, Bitty. I have homework.”

“Okay, Will. But call me back if you want to talk, okay? Sometimes it’s easier if you start with one person. Try and build up those reserves. Bye, hun.”

“Bye, Bits,” Will says and clicks his phone shut. He turns back to thumbing through Pinterest looking for a new scone recipe when his email notification pops up. Hoping it’s his comp-sci professor with an answer, Will isn’t prepared when he sees the name that pops up. 

_ James Poindexter _

_ Subject: Hey _

It took all Will’s strength not to throw his phone right there. Instead, he shoved it deep into his pocket like looking at it for one more moment would burn him and retreats to the basement. He needed to get out of his head. 

* * *

“Hey,” Nursey says and Will practically jumps out of his seat at the kitchen table and Nursey’s heart starts pounding. Worry and fear are at war in his chest and he doesn’t know which one is winning. 

“Are we gonna talk, bro?” Nursey asks. He tries not to make it sound like a challenge but Will’s hackles are already rising. 

“I  _ don’t _ want to talk about it. It won’t affect the team and I’ve already talked with Hall and Murrey. Everything is  _ fine _ .”

“I hope you know how not fine that sounds,” Nursey replies.

“I know,” Dex says, and it’s so defeated Derek doesn’t know what to say. So instead he asks, “Are you on Goblet of Fire yet?” and relishes in the easy conversation that seems to lift the weight off his fellow d-man’s shoulders. 

* * *

It’s three in the morning when Will wakes up to Shadow pawing at his face. Her comforting weight is the only thing that stops him from bolting upright as he comes out of the nightmare. His mom, shouting. His chest, hurting. His siblings just… standing there, just out of sight. He shudders and pulls Shadow close to his chest as he tries to breathe. 

Will knows better than to think he’s going to fall back asleep and he’s drenched in sweat and the smell of anxiety. Once his hands finally stop shaking he grabs his shower caddy and decides to go upstairs and wash the fear off. 

In hindsight, it wasn’t the best idea. The warm water helps soothe him, but as soon as Will steps out of the shower he freezes. He sees himself in the fogged up mirror and cannot move. It’s been so long since he had frozen like this, his entire body immobilized as he hovers right above his consciousness. This is his body, damn it. It wasn’t-- it isn’t supposed to feel like a trap anymore. 

_ Breathe _ , Dex wants to scream at himself. Instead, he sucks in a shallow breath and tries to catalog all the ways this body is his from the freckles that cover nearly every inch of him to the scars on his chest that he fought tooth and nail for. His eyes land on his hair, curling underneath his ears in the first sign that he needs another haircut. He’s been religious about his haircuts, ever since he was finally allowed to cut it short. Allowed was a strong word, and even the thought of it pulls Dex back into an old memory. 

Addie had been seven years old, to Will’s fifteen. They both had long, red curls that they’d inherited from their mother. At seven years old Addie thought Will looked like a princess. As fifteen years, Dex felt trapped. So when Addie wanted to play makeover, he handed her a pair of real scissors instead of the ones from her toy kit. It was easier than asking, than  _ explaining _ .

His parents had been furious, but Addie was a Mama’s girl through and through so no one was really in trouble. She was grounded for a week. Dex snuck her cookies after dinner for two weeks though, so it was like she minded. Addie thought she had the best older sister in the whole wide world. 

It’s been seven years, Will thinks, looking at all the ways his body has grown. All the ways his sister must have changed to. She was fourteen now. In high school. Did she still think of him? Did she know where he was? What did her parents even tell her? Did they talk about him at all? Was Addie allowed to ask questions? Did she even want to know about him? For seven years Addie had been Will’s entire world, his baby sister, and now… now he doesn’t even know what she looks like. 

Thinking of Addie, of course, made him think of James, made him think about that damn email. First his mom calling and  _ calling _ and now James… 

James had been the quenticental older bother; three years old and better than Dex at just about everything. Will could pinpoint the exact moment he last saw his brother. It was his high school graduation and he had been in the gym with his aunt and uncle and the friends he had made despite transferring in the middle of the year and having to take a year off. Dex had looked up at just the right moment to see the amber eyes he and his brother share. James had gotten tall at college, gotten softer without the constant stream of manual labor that filled their lives back home. He wondered if James’ fists would taste anything like the slap of his mother’s palm.

Before Dex could even try to step forward to find out, James was gone again. Sometimes Dex wonders if he ever was ever there at all.

James had been at college when Will tried to come out. They were supposed to spend that summer together working in Uncle Lee’s hardware store. James had to know. He wasn’t a kid, not like Addie, when he was kicked out. 

Maybe James knew and hated him just as much as his parents did. Maybe he was just a coward, unwilling to reach out. It’s not like Will was hiding for Christ sake. He was on Facebook! They knew his name! It wouldn’t… it couldn’t be that hard to find. But Will came to peace years ago that his family had written him off. 

Aunt Kay and Uncle Jerome were his family now. He had seven cousins to call his siblings now. He had Samwell. He had Chris and Derek and and and and--- 

There’s an unopened email on his phone and Will doesn’t know if he’ll ever have the courage to open it. 

Will knows he needs to move. Get dressed, try and go back to sleep, but he still feels like this body of his can’t move. Stuck, just like he was at sixteen.

* * *

Nursey corners him on a Friday after class. In hindsight, he realizes this was a bad plan, but everytime he tried to get Dex to talk to him it was like his partner turned into a slippery eel, always worming out of his grasp.

“Hey,” Will says, and shit, Nursey can head the defensiveness in just that one word. Still, he can’t back down. Something has been eating at Will for months now and Derek  _ needs _ to know.

“Hey, yourself,” he says, trying for playful and missing by a mile. “We need to talk, babe.”

“No we don’t,” Will says. “I’m fine.”

“You keep telling me that. I’ve stopped believing you. Something is wrong Will, stop treating me like I’m stupid and just talk to me already!”

Dex huffs, a humorless laugh escaping between his clenched teeth. “I’m not doing this in the fucking quads,” Will says instead and Nursey sighs. 

“When we get to the haus?” he asks, but Dex doesn’t promise anything at all. They walk in horrible, tense silence for the last few minutes until they're both walking up those rickety stairs and close the door safely behind them. 

“Dex,” Nursey asks, and Will’s eyes narrow like Nursey is an enemy on the ice and not his friend, his  _ partner _ .

“I. Am. Dealing. With. It,” Dex says and Nursey knows he should walk away. They’re both scared of something and they’re both closer to the edge of anger then they should be. He should walk away but god _ damn it _ , Derek was sick with worry. He never sees Will anymore unless it’s for hockey. He isn’t eating right, he isn’t picking up his phone when they called, and he’s flinching at the slightest breeze. His partner is hurting and Will won’t let Derek help. 

He thought they were passed this. Shutting each other out and not talking about shit.

“The hell you are!” Nursey says, trying not to shout. “What are you trying to hide?”

“I’m not hiding,” Will replies and they’re both too close to the edge of shouting for either to be comfortable but they’re both too stubborn to back down. It’s a goddamn recipe for disaster and they both know it but it feels like a trainwreck that’s been building momentum for a long time, too late to stop. All they can do is watch.

“Yes,” Derek says and he knows it’s a challenge. Will narrows his eyes and Nursey knows they’ll both regret this, but he’s tired of being scared and anger is more solid ground to stand on than drowning in helplessness. 

He’s not wrong.

* * *

Chris practically felt the yelling before he heard it. 

“I don’t want to fucking talk about it!” Will practically shouts and Chowder is racing down the stairs before he even consciously thinks about it. It’s been so long since he’s heard them argue like this. Scratch that, he’s  _ never _ heard them argue like this.

Derek and Will are standing across from each other, both face to face with clenched fists and anger brewing and Chris knows this cannot end well. He swore he was going to stop getting in the middle of them sophomore year, but he needs to. He can see what they’re both too stubborn to open their eyes to.

He can see the way Dex is holding himself like he’s scared of getting hurt. The way his words are like a barbed-wire fence to keep them out because that’s how Will always acts when he’s bleeding and doesn't want anyone else to see. He can see the concern that’s etched into Derek’s eyebrows, the defeat in his shoulders. He can hear the fear ringing out clearly and understands it on a visceral level because it’s the same fear in his heart. They need to talk, they need to be a team, but it won’t happen like  _ this _ .

“Hey!” Chowder shouts as he steps in between them and for half-a-second, Chris doesn’t think they’re going to back down. But they do and Chris capitalizes on that momentum. “You’re both going to take a deep breath, okay? And you’re going to listen while  _ I _ talk.”

They both nod, if somewhat reluctantly, and Chowder will take the victories where he can. 

“Will, we know something is wrong. We also know you’re scared to tell us what. And I might not know why, but I know your feelings are valid. However, you need to stop using those feelings to lash out at Derek. He’s just trying to help and you know it. And we do need to talk, because you have us worried, Will. Is there anything we can do to help? Anything we can do to convince you to talk to us?”

Chris keeps his eyes locked on Dex while he talks, and he can already see the red-head calming down and beneath all that anger is the sheer terror of vulnerability. He gives him a small, encouraging smile, and knows whatever look Derek is giving him from behind Chowder has to be just as raw. 

“We, um, can we talk after dinner?” Will asks and Chris hates the way the words shake. “I’ll drive. I can’t--”

“Can’t stay still while we talk. We’ve got you, bro” Nursey says and any other time someone could make fun of how tenderly the word ‘bro’ comes out of his mouth, but the look of sheer relief that crosses Will’s face as his shoulders drop is nothing to laugh about. 

“I need to… but after dinner. I promise,” Will says and Derek and Chris choose to believe him. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will finally tells his partners (and the readers) what's been going on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning for past transphobia, past parental abuse, discussion of being disowned

Derek and Chris are waiting in the kitchen when Dex comes upstairs after two hours of holding Shadow close to his chest and listening to his recovery playlist for both a reminder and for strength. He  _ can _ trust them. He just needs to do  _ it _ .

“I wasn’t born William Arthur Poindexter,” Dex says once they’re on the road. The feeling of movement is freeing as he finally, finally tells this story, this goddamn secret. And even though he knows (he fucking knows, okay?) that his best friends won’t hate him for this Will can’t help the way his stomach clenches in waiting. 

“I’m… I’m a trans guy. My name is Will and I’m a trans guy. I transitioned when I was still in high school, when I was about eighteen and nineteen. It’s why I never said anything. I didn’t… I didn’t want to need to. If that makes any sense.”

“Thanks for trusting us with this,” Chris says after a beat of too-long awkward silence. “It means a lot, Will.” 

Instead of making him feel better though, the words just settle like lead in Will’s stomach. 

“I should have--- I should have told you guys forever ago. You deserved to  _ know _ .”

“And you deserved to be comfortable,” Nursey argues back in the same voice that says ‘argue with me, I dare you’ and, for once, Dex doesn’t want to rise to the bait. “Chris is right. Thank you, Will.”

_ Thank you,  _ they say. Like Dex didn’t hide things from them. Lie to them.  _ It’s not lying to keep yourself safe,  _ Dex argues, but it’s pointless. It’s all so fucking pointless. 

“What does that have to do…” Chris asks, unsure of how to say what he needed to out loud. What did this have to do with Dex clamming up? Shutting down and withdrawing? The goddamn beast of a panic attack they had just witnessed. 

“Everything,” Dex says softly. “My… my mom called. And I haven’t talked to her since I was sixteen and she told me I wasn’t and would never be her child.”

Dex let the story out in bits and pieces. The desperate googling in the library, coming to terms with these words that he didn’t know existed. Wearing his brother’s clothes and it feeling like absolution, not the burden of being poor. Of letting his little sister cut his hair, because childish playing had fewer consequences than living. He stumbled over the way he didn’t tell a single fucking soul until it was too little, too late. Until he felt so trapped in his skin he felt like he was going to burst. 

“I was sixteen and so fucking stupid. I thought… I thought they would listen. I just… I wanted someone else to know. “But I was fucking dilusional. 

“I remember standing there,” Dex says, “in my short hair, and I was wearing my brand new binder to show them I was a real boy and I said, ‘Mom, Dad, I’m not a girl. I’m a boy and my name is Will. I’m actually your son.’ Or, you know, I tried to. Didn’t actually manage to get it all out before--”

His mom had slapped him. Everyone always assumed it was his dad who got violent, but no. Looking back, Dex knew the slap had been coming. But no one was really  _ ready _ . Sure both of his parents had spanked him and his siblings, and mom would slap him upside the head if he really messed up but it had never been this overt.

Open palm to his cheek. Not an accident. Not something Dex could rationalize away. 

The memory of the slap hurt worse than the actual pain of it, but in that moment Will felt like the world had collapsed under his feet. 

“Don’t be ridiculous, N---,” his mom said like it was supposed to be that easy. Will should have gone back to his room. Should have given up and decided to bury himself, to hide, to avoid the tragedy of it all. Instead, he had been sixteen. Sixteen and so fucking stupid. 

Instead, he said, “My name is Will.”

Amber eyes stared up, looking for acceptance, for love, for anything. All Will got back was disdain and a long-suffering sigh. “N--- ,” she said in the tone of voice that meant  _ don’t argue  _ but Will couldn’t keep it buried any longer. 

Instead, he said it over and over and over again. 

_ My name is Will. My name is Will. I’m a boy. I’m a boy, Mom. My name is Will. My name is Will. Will. Will. Will. Will. _

Like the use of his name could will his mom into accepting it. Instead, it just earned him a back-hard, his mother’s rings digging into his face. 

(He still had a scar, where her wedding ring had split his lip and wasn’t that just some kind of poetry?)

Without thinking Will wipes at his lip, expecting to find blood.

“I went back to my room. After she stopped shouting. We never talked about it. We just… we didn’t.”

Silence reigned in the cab of the truck. Will didn’t dare look away from the road, letting his focus stay on the long straight line of asphalt. He wasn’t sure where they were driving anymore, but the feel of the wheel under his hands was better than the confusion of this conversation. He wasn’t sure that, even if he wasn’t driving, he’d be able to look up at Derek and Chris. To see whatever look was in their eyes. The silence lasted for a bit, the only noise being that of the engine and the only feeling being Derek’s thumb rubbing a comforting circle against his thigh.

“What happened?” Chris finally asked. “I mean… what happened?” There really was no other way to say it, was there?

“I thought she might just need some time. That they both did. But my mom had stopped letting me wear jeans and James’ old t-shirts. She kept taking things out of my closet and replacing them. She kept saying my deadname every chance she could, kept jabbing at me that I was wrong, just a stupid little girl who didn’t know shit… After a month I couldn’t take it anymore. I packed a bag and snuck out my window.” 

He had shown up at his friend Ronnie’s house. God, it had been midnight and Ronnie’s mom had come to the door. Dex had snuck into James’ room and taken his older brother’s spare duffle he had left at home and packed it full of the clothes he’d left behind after leaving for college. He was in jeans almost two sizes two big and looked like he was drowning in James’ forgotten school sweatshirt. 

He had looked fucking pitiful. He’d  _ felt _ fucking pitiful.

“Ronnie knew about me, so did his mom. She didn’t say shit and just let me crash on her couch. I was so fucking tired I slept through school the next day. She called Ronnie in sick and made us both tea and told me I could stay as long as I liked once I woke up.”

Dex remembered ugly sobbing at her promises.  _ Will,  _ she had called him.  _ Will.  _ Like it had been easy. 

“And your parents never…” Chris asked. 

“They came looking for me later that week. Ronnie’s mom caused such a fit, but Mom dragged me out of the house anyways.” Dragged wasn’t an exaggeration. Will didn’t have bruises from that encounter anymore, but sometimes he could still feel her vice-like grip. “Said I could either come home and ‘get over that queer nonsense’ or I should just never come home again. I… I didn’t know what to do.” 

Will had just stood there, in the middle of that street with his mom trying to pull him into the car and Will just… not moving. Finally he shook his head. His lips were moving, but he knew the word wasn’t actually coming out right. 

‘No,’ what a magical word. Funny how it doesn’t work.

Sucking in a breath, Will continued, “I remember standing there. Waiting. I remember seeing the exact moment she gave up on me.” 

The whole car was holding their breath as Will finally decided to pullover. It wasn’t until he un-gripped the steering wheel that he realized his hands were shaking. 

“She let go of me,” and he did have bruises from that, they had stayed for weeks, “and just… drove. I was standing in the middle of that street in Ronnie’s ‘Sonic the Hedgehog’ shirt watching my mom fuck off forever. Until… until now.”

“My mom called,” Dex says, and God he’s fucking sobbing on the words now. The whole rest of the story he told them in perfect candor, like he was describing the plot of some depressing indie movie and not his damn life but as soon as the car had shifted into park Dex felt himself begin to shake apart. 

Two pairs of hands quickly pulled him into a mass hug. There’s some strange and uncomfortable maneuvering around Will’s statue-esque form until he was in the middle of his partner and best friend. Instead of questioning it though, Will let himself lean into the feel of being at the center of this warm mass. He was sobbing, harsh and ugly, but he could hear Chris and Derek talking softly, their voices a comfort instead of damnation. 

_ It’s okay,  _ they said and Dex felt like he was sixteen again. He spent this entire term feeling like he was sixteen and he hated every second of it. 

They sat there, in the cab of that truck, as the sun set deeper and deeper. When Dex finally ran out of tears and snot he actually looked up at his best friends. He was holding himself stiff, and not just from sitting in the same position for so long. He was waiting for, despite the reassuring words and the hands he’d felt so safe in, for the inevitable rejection. 

“Thanks for trusting us with this, babe,” Derek said, his green eyes so fucking honest that Will had to believe him. Chris didn’t have any words, but just held Dex’s arm tighter and nodded--tears in his own eyes. 

Without thinking, Dex lets out a chuckle. It was so rough it got caught on his throat coming out, but it made Nursey break out into a little bit of a smile too. 

“Thanks for… for listening. Do you guys mind if we start driving back?”

“Depends,” Nursey asked, “do I get to pick the music?” 

Will and Chris both grinned and in that second Will wasn’t sixteen anymore. He was twenty-two and sitting in the car with his two best friends laughing. “No,” they both said in unison. Will shook his head and they started shifting again so Dex was back in the driver’s seat. Nursey and Chris were half-wrestling in the seats beside him, elbows flailing until the engine roared back to life. Plugging his phone into the audio jack, Dex scrolled through his Spotify until his thumb landed on his ‘recovery sucks but it’s worth it’ playlist he’d been putting together since he was junior in high school and pressed play. 

With The Front Bottoms blaring out of his truck speakers, one of his hands linked with Nursey’s and the other on the wheel, and the soundtrack of Chris’ laughter floating through the air Will reminded himself he wasn’t sixteen anymore. He would never be sixteen again. 

And thank  _ God _ for that. 

* * *

It didn’t surprise Nursey that Dex was trans. And not in the oh-I-could-totally-tell trashy kind of way. It just made a few things click into place that had been slightly off before. The scars Dex had never been shy about, his complicated relationship with the traditionally feminine, the way he took showers quickly and left the locker room even quicker their freshman year. Though it did make him wince, thinking back over the years at all the times he’d put his foot in his mouth. 

“Stay with me tonight?” Nursey asks, at the top of the basement stairs. Dex let his shoulders sag in relief and reached for Nursey’s hand as they walk up the stairs. Derek heard what Will wouldn’t say:  _ I don’t want to be alone tonight. _

They don’t let go as the stairs creaked beneath them, the only noise in the otherwise silent house. They both dress in silence and Nursey hands Dex one of his favorite, old sweaters to curl up in while pulling on his own t-shirt. It was one of Dex’s, Nursey realizes, once they settled into bed. 

“I’m sorry,” Derek finally says. Someone had to say it and he doubted that Will’s parents ever did. “I’m so damn sorry.” His statement is buffeted by the soft sound of Shadow’s paws landing on the blanket and her own meow of apology. 

“I’m okay,” Dex replies. “We can talk more tomorrow. But I’m okay.”

They snuggle into each other, Dex resting his head against Nursey’s chest and Nursey running his hands through Will’s ever-growing longer hair. Neither of them falls very deeply asleep, both skimming on the surface of consciousness, but they both manage to rest with the reminder that they’re still there. 

Morning comes both too quickly and not quickly enough. By the time Nursey rouses, blinking his tired eyes before finding his arms empty. He very carefully does not rush down the stairs, pretending to take them with nonchalance ease that he doesn’t feel, so naturally, he shows up in the kitchen wide eyed and on the edge of panic. He’s greeted with the familiar sight of Dex framed up against the window, sunlight beaming in and turning him aglow. Shadow is twining around Will’s legs to complete the perfect picture. 

It’s not that Nursey hasn’t seen his fellow d-man shirtless before. Summers were brutal, even in the north, and they were hockey players after all. However, for the first time, Nursey lets himself really study Will. He lets himself see the scars. He knows the stories behind some. A bad fall during a game of shiny, that time sophomore year when that bike ran him clean off the sidewalk, little burns from the oven and hot pie plates. There are some that Dex has told him about, from when he was a kid. A slash going down his upper arm from a boating accident, evidence of a broken leg that is pale with age. 

Nursey allows his eyes to linger on Will’s chest. Well muscled and covered in constellation freckles, but now he really notices the scars on his chest. Two slashes under his pecs that were still a soft pink. He’s never thought about them before, never really questioned them, but now it’s obvious. 

“I can feel you staring, Nurse,” he says, voice fond. Derek has the good grace to look sheepish. Will leans towards him as he passes, pressing a kiss to his partner’s lips.    
Pancakes will be ready in a minute. Pour me another cup of coffee?” 

Nursey does so gladly, swiping Dex’s mug from the counter to refill it. Unlike Nursey, Dex drinks his coffee black like a heathen who hates himself so he pours his cup first before going in search of the creamer for his own brew. By the time he’s done, Will is putting two plates of pancakes on the table.

“What are you going to do?” Nursey asks without preamble as they started to eat. It’s early enough that no one in their right mind would be up in the haus for a while so it was safe to talk. Not that it’s ever unsafe, just less likely to be overheard if you didn’t want to be. 

“I filed a restraining order against them over winter break. You remember that last game before break?”

Realization dawns on Nursey like a dose of cold water. 

“They were there?” he asks. Will had been shaken up after that game and Derek had thought… he just thought it was stress because the game had been too close. Because he knew the scouts were watching and wanted to put on their best game. But… shit, Nursey can feel the anger simmering under his skin even thinking about it. Will’s parents were  _ here _ . Fuck. That.

Will just nods, taking another bite of his pancakes.

“Campus Safety knows. So do Hall and Murrey. If they try and show up again someone will stop them. But…”

“But…?” Nursey asks.

There’s a long silence while Dex moves some pancake around on his plate, not eating but not saying anything either. Finally, after a deep breath, Will says, “I have an older brother. 

The admission shouldn’t knock the breath out of Nursey like it does. He also thought Will had siblings, but everything felt different now that he knew Will’s stories had been about cousins and friends and not siblings. Before Nursey could fully process it, Will continued.

“And a younger sister. I haven’t seen them since I was kicked out.”

“That’s…. That’s so fucked up, bro.”

“My aunt sometimes gets pictures from the few family members that are left who talk to us.” 

“Where did you go?” Nursey asks even though there’s a desperate part of him that doesn’t want to know the answer. 

“I stayed at Ronnie’s house for a while, but eventually his family couldn’t take the pressure. There were rumors everywhere. About me, about my family, about them. It was terrible. I was trying to figure out where to go when my aunt and uncle actually reached out to me. I didn’t know my Aunt Kathy or Uncle Jerome. Like, I didn’t even know they existed. Aunty Kay was kicked out when she tried to date another girl. Didn’t help when she married a black guy, no offense, but my family’s kind of shit.”

Nursey huffs a humorless laugh. “Sounds about right. So you live with your aunt now?”

“Yeah, Aunt Kay and Uncle Jay adopted me the year after I moved in. My 17th birthday present, actually.”

“All the stories I told you, they’re true. I worked summers on my uncle’s boats because they couldn’t turn down the free labor. My mom still taught me how to tie my shoes. Dad coached my little league softball team. I… I didn’t lie. It’s just sometimes when I said mom and dad… I mean Aunt Kathy and Jay. They’re my parents now and I just… I never wanted to explain. I’m sorry.”

Nursey squeezes Dex’s hands. He wasn’t going to lie, it hurt. “It’s okay. I… I get it’s a lot to unpack, especially if, well, our relationship was never great until lately.” 

“I was going to introduce you guys at graduation. I didn’t mean for it to turn into this fucking mess.”

“They’re coming to graduation?”

“Yep. Aunt Kay, Uncle Jay, and the absolute army of cousins. You’re going to meet them all whether you like it or not.”

“Oohh more baby Poindexters?” Chris says from the doorway.

* * *

“How long have you been standing there?” Will asks. Chris just shrugs.

“Like, two seconds. Looked like you two were having a moment. I want to hear more about these baby Poindexters. I’m assuming your older brother energy didn’t come from nowhere.”

Will laughs. “I have five younger cousins. Two older, actually, but they moved out before I moved in with Aunt Kay and Uncle Jermone. They adopted me, after, well, everything.”

“Cool,” Chris says. “I can’t wait to meet ‘em.”

Dex fiddles with his fork and Chris cocks his head to the side. That’s Dex’s thinking sigh. 

I, umm, I also have two siblings,” Dex says in a rush and Chris knows he has not had enough coffee for this. 

“Yeah?” Chris asks. He bites down on his surprise and tries to keep his tone level. “I’m guessing you haven’t seen them since…” Chris gestures to the air in hopes that it manages to encompass the entire clusterfuck that seems to have been his best friend’s life. Dex nods, taking another deep breath. Chowder puts on another pot of coffee, grabs a pop-tart from the cabinet, and rejoins them at the table. 

“Talk to us, Dexy,” Nursey asks and Dex takes another deep breath. Shadow, sensing her owner’s distress, jumps onto the table and Will gratefully clasps onto her. 

“Um, my brother, he emailed me. I… I haven’t opened it yet.” 

Chowder swallows hard. How long has it been since Will saw them? How did they react when Will came out? How did they… well, if they’re only contacting him now that answers that, probably. “Do you want to?” Chowder asks. 

“It’s all I want.” Will chokes out, and Chris holds his hand out for Dex’s phone.

* * *

**From:** James Poindexter

**Subject:** Hey

_Will,_

_It's James. I know I should have tried to contact you sooner. Or shouldn't try and contact you at all. I know I fucked up, all those years ago. I wasn't there for you when I should have been and I was too scared to do anything about it when I could have. You don't have to see me, but me and Addie finally got the full story out of mom and dad and I swear we didn't know. And I am so so sorry._

_You don't have to see us if you don't want to. You don't have to forgive us. But I miss you and I know Addies does too. You leaving-- mom kicking you out broke her heart. If you would be okay with it I know we'd both love to get to know our brother. Or we could call. Or just email. Or nothing at all, we... I can't say sorry enough. I would just really really love to see you again. To apologize in person. To try and understand._

_And even if you don't want to see me, I could still bring Addie to visit. She really misses you. Either way, I hope you're okay, Will. I promise mom and dad don't have this email address and they won't get it from me. They don't know I'm emailing you and they won't, I swear. I am so sorry. So so sorry._

_I don't know how to end this, but I hope to hear from you soon. If not, good luck, not that you need it from me._

_I love you, Will. I love my brother._

_Sincerely,_

_James_

_p.s. Addie says 'hi.'_


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The end.

Annie’s is warm when Will steps inside. The smell of coffee and the heat of a busy place push the February cold from his bones; it doesn’t do anything, however, to calm his quick beating heart. Will knows he beat them here. Not only did they have the drive to calculate in, but Dex made sure of it. He should have a good hour to let himself worry before anyone shows up.

The line isn’t long and Dex places his order. He watches the barista scrawl the name  _ Will  _ across the cup and feels stupid. He’s been Will for seven years now. That wasn’t going to change. He also buys a blueberry muffin to pick on and soon enough he’s settled at a table. He reaches into his backpack and instead of pulling out his homework, he grabs the notebook he’d been piecing together over the years. It’s almost a scrapbook of sorts, if it were organized enough to call it that. Shitty was the one who had encouraged him to start taking photos at Samwell, to not be ashamed of wanting to capture these times of learning and growing. Lardo was the one who gave him some washi tape to start pasting them in, and Bitty was always excited to help take photos to add to the book too. 

Over the years, the pages were taken over by notes from the team and additions of movie tickets, napkin doodles, and so much more. If James and Addie really wanted to get to know him, if they really wanted to learn about Will, it was all in here. 

Love poems and snapshots of Will and Nursey kissing Chris on the cheeks. The Hauswide cuddle piles and the evidence of his terrible movie taste. His favorite quotes, stupid jokes, everything that Samwell had made him. 

Derek and Chris had offered to come with him, and as Will waits he almost wishes he had accepted the offer. Instead, they’re waiting back at the Haud for him. They will be there no matter how this ends, and Will is still working on believing it. Instead of dwelling, though, Dex chooses to pull Derek’s copy of  _ Goblet of Fire _ out of his backpack to read while he waits. He barely takes in any of the words, but it helps pass the time until--- 

\---“I’m sorry, but are you Will?” a nervous voice asks and Dex sets the book down just in time to see two sets of familiar eyes, both with tentative smiles underneath.

“Yeah,” he says, trying to sound certain. “That’s um, that’s me.”


End file.
